Use a Tongue Cleaner

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the road to perfection is paved with good oral hygiene.  I know, I know, you were really hoping that it was paved with dark chocolate, green gummy bears, or those really soft blankets that appear between the sheets and the duvet covers at nice hotels, but I never promised that this perfection thing was going to be a cake walk.  Fortunately for you, we here at One Step Closer believe very firmly in the “baby step” principle of perfection.  We won’t demand that you do anything annoying and life-changing like… (whisper) flossing… we’ll save that for later, MUCH later.  Instead, Step 1 one of this journey couldn’t be an easier: use a tongue cleaner.

Now, I know you think I’m crazy.  You’re reading this post, mumbling to yourself, “Shyeah, how could a TONGUE CLEANER possibly make me any more perfect than I already am?  I brush my teeth!  Twice a day, sometimes!  I even own one of those HUGE bottles of Listerine that you can buy at Costco and use to cleanse the mouths of a small nation!” Yes, yes, you and your uber-bottle of mouthwash are pretty phenomenal already, and your mouth is, indeed, quite lovely, but it will be even better after you start using a tongue cleaner.  Trust me. 

Studies have shown that of the 85% of all halitosis cases that originate in mouth, 50% are caused by bacteria and residue on the tongue (hereinafter: tongue gunk) .  Brushing your tongue (if you even do that) with a standard toothbrush eliminates only 45% of tongue gunk, whereas a proper tongue cleaner eliminates… wait for it… 75%.   Additionally, the total bacteria count on the surface of your tongue can be reduced as much as 50% after one day’s use of a tongue cleaner compared to one week’s worth of tongue brushing with a regular tooth brush.  Using a tongue cleaner also reduces overall dental plaque by up to 33%.  Need I go on?

There are plenty of tongue cleaners on the market right now, and you can pick one up at your local drug store for less that 5 bucks.  I got addicted to the oolit variety when I lived abroad, and have to order them online ever since because I can’t find them here (probably because there’s some weird embargo on European hygiene product that I don’t know about), but you can go with whichever tongue cleaner makes you happy.  And happy you will be, right after that lightning-quick 5 swipes of the tongue cleaner that it takes to make your mouth that much closer to perfection.  It’ll be the best new thing for your tongue since… well, propriety demands that I let this last sentence trail off….

Two gold stars for purchasing or already owning a tongue cleaner.  1 gold star for each time you use it.  26 gold stars if you actually get yourself together enough to floss.